"Twice the pride, double the f—"

Anakin doesn't like long talks: he always does his job as swiftly as possible:



"Good job!"

Episode III gets reviewed

I recently found a really good review of Star Wars Episode III and I thought it could be interesting to feature it on this blog, among the other piles of random stuff that I accumulate on a daily basis. (I hope some of you saw the film, at least…)



"Count Dracula shows up. The Chancellor says: 'Get help. You're no match for him. He's a Sith Lord.' Dude, where are they gonna get help?!?"

" … and what does this shithead ever do to make you fall in love with him? All he ever did was bitch everyone else including Ooba-Dooba, make blatantly treacherous remarks and — I wanna stress this again — he committed mass murder and Ooba-Dooba knows it."



"Obi-Wan must carefully sneak up to his position. So naturally, since he must be as covert as possible, he picks the biggest, loudest thing he can possibly find to ride up there. This thing makes noises like a dying giraffe: it's so loud the whole damn planet would be alarmed to its presence, and the damn thing even starts shouting right at the enemy's base!"

"The Emperor whips out a lightsaber and does some of that jumping around crap. The three Jedi Windu brought with him use an ancient Jedi defence technique known as 'Standing There And Letting Your Opponent Kill You', until it's soon just Windu vs. the Chancellor."



"'But wait, Obi-Wan! If Leia is my sister, then who was our mother?'
'Ow… she was the Queen of Naboo. But when things didn't work out between her and your father she lost the will to live and just up and died.'
'Ya know, she was having two kids… She didn't think it was worth living for us?'
'I guess not, Luke.'
'Oh, what a bitch!'"

The Clone Wars

The Clone Wars, this brand new computer-animated movie meant to take place between Episode II and Episode III sounds definitely promising. I'm looking forward to watching it!





If you liked the French version of the new trilogy, the following trailer shows us that the same voice actors (e.g. Roger Carel as C3PO, Emmanuel Garijo as Anakin, Jean Lescot as Yoda, Georges Claisse as Darth Sidious) were hired:

Tankman Begins

Watch this funny parody of Batman Begins for the introduction to the 2005 MTV Movie Awards ceremony, hosted by Jimmy Fallon:



Curse you, tank man!

The guy who played Batman is John Heder, aka Napoleon Dynamite.

Here's another parody that Fallon made on basis of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith:



I'm very good at backflips!

"All's well that ends well"

Alternate endings are a great way of showing how a given story could have been. Storylines like Star Wars could have ended in a wide variety of ways, as you may recall from a series of previous posts. For instance, what if Luke, the hero, didn't manage to grip the antenna when he fell in the shaft on Bespin?



ROTFLOL is the word that sums up my reaction.

Then, what if Luke didn't manage to blow the Death Star and Vader shot him instead?



And… what if Darth Vader felt remorse after killing Luke Skywalker and all of a sudden decided to turn against the Empire? It would give something like this:



What if Yoda was less powerful than he thought?



[Swat!]
Oh, nooo!

What if Anakin underestimated his own powers?



What if everything that has transpired has done so according to the Emperor's design?



Brilliant!

PS. Don't forget to wish a happy birthday to Ellen!

Happy Valentine!

Bail Bailey is not only a succesful British comedian (I refer you to what I told you about Black Books, but also a gifted singer. Listen to his love song:



Ok, the end is not so happy, but I like the tune, though. Here's my favourite love music, namely Across the Stars, the love theme written by John Williams for Star Wars Episode II and Episode III.



The following video is dedicated to all the Germanists from Namur who had to study some fragments from Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, for Bill Bailey is going to tell a joke in Middle English style, the "Pubbe Gagge":



That's a pretty good imitation of Chaucer's style and prosody, I think! If you want to watch a version in which he declaims much quicker, please click here — there's just a slight sound problem.

Fucking alternate endings

It seems that no reader likes alternate endings (because blog entries featuring them are never commented on), but I like them, so here's another twisted version of Die Hard:

…

But wait! Maybe there are some people among you who've never seen the film. Here's the fucking short version:



(It reminds me of that fucking short version of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back; I once told you about it.)

And there comes the alternate ending:



Toooooooo baaaaaaaaaad!

And those two, but about Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace:



Ouch!



All right, this would have ruined the other five movies — for Anakin is the main character…

The Saga Begins

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned "Weird Al" Yankovich and his great parody songs, like Michael Jackson's Beat it getting twisted into Eat it?

Today I would like to show you another song that I've just discovered: The Saga Begins (1999). It's about Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, and Weird Al (dressed up as Obi-Wan Kenobi) sings of Anakin's daring deeds, thus summarizing in a quite brilliant way the plot of that first episode. This song is a parody of American Pie by Don McLean.



Here are the lyrics (it took me a lot of time to make all the links, so don't hesitate to click on them to learn more about the Star Wars universe):

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy

Oh
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Darth Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
He left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say

Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday

Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh the Council was impressed of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
All training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
"Just stick it in your pointy ear"
"I still will teach this boy"

He was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gungans died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We were singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

PS. It is stated on Wikipedia that Weird Al wrote this song just by reading internet spoilers…, thus without seeing the movie at all!

As would Darth Vader say (in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back):

Impressive… Most impressive.

The Empire Brokeback!

Droids have feelings: they can live a true love story:



Obi-Wan and Anakin were having an affair, too!



Even Han Solo and Chewie!



I love these parodies on the Brokeback Mountain theme! More tomorrow

He's Back!

At last, the one whose YouTube channel was guywiththeglasses is back on YouTube. I had already displayed some of his "5 second movies" on this blog. But this channel disappeared suddently in June due to a YouTube's policy on copyright. Fortunately, our guywiththeglasses won his fight and has a new page for his marvellous "5 second movies".

Let's hear what he has to say. Or to transmit, I guess:



In this video, he explain his view on his forced absence from YouTube:



And here are the three brand-new Star Wars episodes he was talking about:

— Episode I: The Phantom Menace


Yeah, Jar Jar Binks really destroyed the movie. I can't agree more with Han Solo.

— Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Yeah, the choice of Hayden Christensen to play Darth Vader wasn't the best choice at all. Most of the fans agree on that. This actor was too young. But the dialogues were crappy as well, so we can't blame him for everything.

— Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

"Boy did I bet on the wrong horse!" :p Obi-Wan is definitely the wisest.

Another Version of Fart Wars

There's a sound which comes from this scene of Dumb and Dumber, when Lama Su sits down. Too silly. I want more!

Promise of Power

This scene from Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, is also one of the most important scenes of the whole saga. There's the original version, followed by the French adaptation.


ORIGINAL VERSION (featuring Ian McDiarmid as Chancellor Palpatine and Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker)

(In Palpatine's private office)

PALPATINE
They don’t trust you, Anakin. They see your future, they know your power would be too strong to control. You must break through the fog of lies the Jedi have created around you. Let me help you to know the subtleties of the Force.

ANAKIN
How do you know the ways of the Force?

PALPATINE
My mentor told me everything about the Force. Even the nature of the Dark Side . . .

ANAKIN
You know the Dark Side?

PALPATINE
Anakin . . . If one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects; not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader, you must embrace . . . a larger view of the Force. Be careful of the Jedi, Anakin. Only through me can you achieve a power greater than any Jedi. Learn to know the Dark Side of the Force, and you will be able to save your wife from certain death.

ANAKIN
What did you say?

PALPATINE
Use my knowledge, I beg you!

ANAKIN
You are the Sith Lord!

PALPATINE
I know what’s been troubling you. Listen to me . . . Don’t continue to be a pawn of the Jedi Council! Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been searching for a life greater than that of an ordinary Jedi; a life of significance, of conscience . . . Are you going to kill me?

ANAKIN
I would certainly like to.

PALPATINE
I know you would. I can feel your anger. It gives you focus. Makes you stronger.

ANAKIN
I’m gonna turn you over the Jedi Council.

PALPATINE
Of course, you should. But you’re not sure of their intentions, are you?

ANAKIN
I will quickly discover the truth of all this.

PALPATINE
You have great wisdom, Anakin. Know the power of the Dark Side, the power to save Padmé.

———————————————————————————————

FRENCH VERSION (with the voices of Georges Claisse as Palpatine and Emmanuel Garijo as Anakin)

(Dans les appartements privés du Chancelier Palpatine)

PALPATINE
Ils n’ont aucune confiance en toi. Ils voient ton avenir, et ils savent que ton pouvoir sera si grand qu’il échappera à leur contrôle. Il faut que tu franchisses cet écran de fumée mensonger que les Jedi ont créé autour de toi. Laisse-moi t’apprendre toutes les subtilités de la Force !

ANAKIN
D’où vous vient cette connaissance ?

PALPATINE
Mon mentor m’a tout appris sur la Force. Jusqu’à la vraie nature du Côté Obscur.

ANAKIN
Vous la connaissez ? !

PALPATINE
Anakin… Si l’on désire tirer au clair le grand mystère, il convient d’en étudier tous les aspects, et non de s’en tenir à la vision étroite et dogmatique des Jedi. Si tu veux devenir un chef complet et avisé, il te faut embrasser … l’ensemble de la Force. Méfie-toi des Jedi, Anakin. Ce n’est qu’à travers moi que tu pourras acquérir un pouvoir plus grand qu’aucun autre Jedi. Apprends à connaître le Côté Obscur de la Force, et tu seras capable de sauver ta femme d’une mort certaine.

ANAKIN
Qu’est-ce que vous dites ? !

PALPATINE
Utilise mes connaissances, je t’en conjure !

ANAKIN
Vous êtes le Seigneur Noir des Sith !

PALPATINE
Je sais d’où vient ton trouble. Ecoute-moi… Cesse d’être utilisé comme un pion par les Jedi et leur Conseil. Depuis que je te connais, depuis toujours, tu rêves d’une vie plus exaltante que celle d’un Jedi ordinaire ; une vie qui ait un vrai sens, une vraie conscience… Est-ce que tu vas me tuer ?

ANAKIN
Je dois dire que la tentation est grande.

PALPATINE
Je sais que tu le ferais. Je sens la violence de ta colère. Elle accroît ta force, et la puissance de ta volonté.

ANAKIN
Je n’ai pas d’autre choix que de vous dénoncer au Conseil.

PALPATINE
Evidemment c’est ce que tu devrais faire, mais tu n’es pas encore tout à fait sûr de leurs intentions ?

ANAKIN
Je ne tarderai pas à découvrir toute la vérité.

PALPATINE
Tu jouis déjà d’une grande sagesse, Anakin. Le Côté Obscur et lui seul te donnera le pouvoir de sauver Padmé.

The Key Scene of the Whole Star Wars Saga

As a Star Wars fan eversince I'm a little boy, I was eager to see the last film of the saga in May 2005. Here is the transcript of what I think to be the most important scene of the whole saga. You'll also find the French translation, and spot a few adaptation that seem a little bit akward, but necessary for the post-synchronisation. (More about that topic later.) The address of this blog comes from this scene. That sentence can be applied to lots of real-life situations, if you think about it.

—————————————————————————————

ORIGINAL VERSION (featuring Ian McDiarmid as Chancellor Palpatine and Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker)

(In Chancellor Palpatine's private lodge, in the Coruscant Opera.)

PALPATINE
Anakin, you know I’m not able to rely on the Jedi Council. If they haven’t included you in their plot, they will soon.

ANAKIN
I'm not sure I understand.

PALPATINE
You must sense what I have come to suspect . . . the Jedi Council want control of the Republic . . . they're planning to betray me.

ANAKIN
I don't think . . .

PALPATINE
Anakin, search your feelings. You know, don't you?

ANAKIN
I know they don't trust you . . .

PALPATINE
Or the Senate . . . or the Republic . . . or democracy, for that matter.

ANAKIN
I have to admit, my trust in them has been shaken.

PALPATINE
Why? They asked you to do something that made you feel dishonest, didn't they? They asked you to spy on me, didn't they?

ANAKIN
I don't... I don't know what to say.

PALPATINE
Remember back to your early teachings. Anakin. "All who gain power are afraid to lose it." Even the Jedi.

ANAKIN
The Jedi use their power for good.

PALPATINE
Good is a point of view, Anakin. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way, including their quest for greater power.

ANAKIN
The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inwards—only about themselves.

PALPATINE
And the Jedi don't?

ANAKIN
The Jedi are selfless . . . they only care about others.

PALPATINE
Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?

ANAKIN
No.

PALPATINE
I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith . . . so powerful and so wise . . . he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians . . . to create . . . life. He had such a knowledge of the Dark Side . . . he could even keep the ones he cared about . . . from dying.

ANAKIN
He could actually . . . save people from death?

PALPATINE
The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.

ANAKIN
What happened to him?

PALPATINE
He became so powerful . . . the only thing he was afraid of was . . . losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's ironic: he could save others from death, but not himself.

ANAKIN
Is it possible to learn this power?

PALPATINE
Not from a Jedi.

———————————————————————
FRENCH VERSION (with voices of Georges Claisse as Palpatine and Emmanuel Garijo as Anakin)

PALPATINE
Anakin, tu sais que je ne pourrai jamais me fier au Conseil des Jedi. S’ils ne t’ont pas encore impliqué dans leur complot, ça ne saurait tarder.

ANAKIN
Je ne suis pas sûr de bien comprendre.

PALPATINE
Je suis persuadé que toi aussi tu pressens ce que j’en suis venu à soupçonner : le Conseil des Jedi a décidé de prendre le contrôle de la République. Ils s’apprêtent à s’en prendre à moi.

ANAKIN
Je doute que ce soit —

PALPATINE
Anakin… Ecoute ton intuition. Tu le sais, n’est-ce pas ?

ANAKIN
Je sais qu’ils se méfient de vous.

PALPATINE
Mm. Et du Sénat. Et de la République. Et de la démocratie, par-dessus de marché.

ANAKIN
Je dois l’admettre : ma confiance en eux est un peu ébranlée.

PALPATINE
Pourquoi ? Ils t’ont chargé d’une mission que tu perçois comme profondément déloyale… ? Ils t’ont chargé de m’espionner, c’est ça ?

ANAKIN
Je ne sais pas… Je ne sais pas quoi dire.

PALPATINE
Remémore-toi ce qui t’a jadis été enseigné : « Quiconque détient un pouvoir a peur de le perdre ». Ça vaut pour les Jedi.

ANAKIN
Les Jedi sont au service du Bien.

PALPATINE
Le Bien est une question de point de vue, Anakin. Les Sith et les Jedi sont similaires, ils se ressemblent quasiment en tous points. Y compris dans leur quête d’un plus grand pouvoir.

ANAKIN
Les Sith cultivent la passion de la Force, rien d’autre. Et ils sont entièrement tournés vers eux-mêmes.

PALPATINE
Ah oui ? parce que les Jedi sont différents ?

ANAKIN
Les Jedi sont désintéressés. Ils pensent d’abord aux autres.

PALPATINE
Mm. Est-ce que tu connais l’histoire tragique de Dark Plagueis le Sage ?

ANAKIN
Non.

PALPATINE
Ça ne m’étonne pas. Ce n’est pas le genre d’histoire que racontent les Jedi. C’est une légende Sith. Dark Plagueis était un Seigneur Noir des Sith… tellement puissant et tellement sage… qu’il pouvait utiliser la Force pour influer sur les midichloriens… et pouvait… créer la vie. En outre, sa connaissance du Côté Obscur était telle… qu’il arrivait aussi à empêcher ceux dont l’existence lui importaient… de mourir.

ANAKIN
Vous voulez dire… qu’il avait vaincu la mort ?

PALPATINE
Le Côté Obscur de la Force est un moyen d’acquérir de nombreuses facultés considérées par certains comme contraires à la nature.

ANAKIN
Et… Que lui est-il arrivé ?

PALPATINE
Il était devenu tellement puissant… que la seule chose qui lui faisait encore peur… était de perdre son pouvoir, ce qui, bien sûr, arriva un jour. Il fit l’erreur d’enseigner à son jeune apprenti son savoir et tous ses secrets, et cet apprenti le tua pendant qu’il dormait. Quelle ironie : il avait vaincu la mort pour les autres, mais la sienne, il n’a pas su l’éviter.

ANAKIN
Est-ce qu’il est possible d’acquérir ce pouvoir ?

PALPATINE
En aucun cas auprès d’un Jedi.