A fallen hero

Luke Skywalker doesn't want to join Darth Vader to rule and conquer the galaxy, so he chooses to commit suicide…

Weird Al—ternate endings

I recently came across a whole bunch of Star Wars alternate endings by mjscarface, and I tell you: they're really worth watching.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones




Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Luke gets pissed off pretty fast:



Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

The Emperor is not pleased with Vader's lack of progress in searching for the Millennium Falcon…



They should have listened to C-3PO… He's always right…



Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Let's end those movies earlier

I found several alternate endings to some Star Wars movies, and I thought you wouldn't give a damn about them, but I'm still posting them:

Alternate ending to Episode IV:



"This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blast—…"

Padmé falls into the Sarlacc pitt, and Super Count Dooku beats the shit out of Obi-Wan, Anakin and Yoda! (Alternate ending to Episode II)



Episode V becomes a lot shorter:

Never blast a door

Luke really fucked up this time:

Star Wars Kid Strikes Back… again

Star Wars Kid is everywhere, as you can see by yourself:



Luke: "WTF?"

SWK has also appeared in South Park:



"Oh my God! He killed Kenny!"

"Short, but pointless" (Ghostbusters 2)

While wandering on YouTube I came across new alternate endings and I wanted to show you some of them. Let's first watch the proof that Count Dooku has become more powerful than any Jedi:



What if Yoda was stronger than Palpatine, after all?



It's a shame that the guy who made it didn't manage to get rid of the digits, but it's a good idea, I think.

EditingRoom came up with a new idea, too: what if Vader decided to kill Luke after telling him the truth?



All too easy…

Now, what if Qui-Gon killed Darth Maul and not the other way round?



What if our old pal Casey Jones (from TMNT) happened to be present on Naboo (incidentally with his garbage truck, of course)?

Store Wars

Mr Romero sent me this brilliant spoof on Star Wars which uses fruit and vegetables to depict the epic struggle between Organic Rebellion and the Dark Side of the Farm ("An Empire of pollution and pesticides"), working thus as an allegory of our modern world:

"Search your peelings, Cuke, you know it to be true! Join me and together we can rule the supermarket as father and son."

"May the Farm be with you, always!"

Cuke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Canolli, C3 Peanuts, Tofu-D2, Princess Letuce, Ham Solo, Chewbroccoli, Thai fighters, Darth Tater --> brilliant puns!

"All's well that ends well"

Alternate endings are a great way of showing how a given story could have been. Storylines like Star Wars could have ended in a wide variety of ways, as you may recall from a series of previous posts. For instance, what if Luke, the hero, didn't manage to grip the antenna when he fell in the shaft on Bespin?



ROTFLOL is the word that sums up my reaction.

Then, what if Luke didn't manage to blow the Death Star and Vader shot him instead?



And… what if Darth Vader felt remorse after killing Luke Skywalker and all of a sudden decided to turn against the Empire? It would give something like this:



What if Yoda was less powerful than he thought?



[Swat!]
Oh, nooo!

What if Anakin underestimated his own powers?



What if everything that has transpired has done so according to the Emperor's design?



Brilliant!

PS. Don't forget to wish a happy birthday to Ellen!

Y.O.D.A.

The Village People's song YMCA was spoofed into Y.O.D.A. Here are two versions I found on YouTube, but unfortunately they're not of good quality, nor are they the full versions.



I promised the other day I'd show you a parody song made by Weird Al Yankovic, so here it is: "Yoda", a parody of Lola, by the Kinks, a famous British pop group.

Lola:



Yoda:



And here are the lyrics if you feel like singing them:

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A, soda

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him for his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda"
Y-O-D-A, Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I left home just a week before
And I've never ever been a Jedi before
But Obi-Wan, he set me straight, of course
He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force"

Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again
With my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

So I used the Force
I picked up a box
I lifted some rocks
While I stood on my head
but, I won't forget what Yoda said

He said, "Luke, stay away from the darker side
And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed
But remember, if you kill him, then you'll be unemployed"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda I guess
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be playing this part 'till I'm old and gray

The long-term contract I had to sign
Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
Oh with my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda speaks German

Please watch this scene of the first encounter between Yoda and Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back. Why do I want you to do that? Because I find it funny. As simple as that.



Yoda's got a really weird voice, I think, but it's funny to listen to. (Just like the Heat scene dubbed in German that I posted the other day.)

Starry Potter and the Philosopher Hope

Before starting (well, in fact, this is already the start…), I signal that this blog entry is (again) only suitable to people who have already seen Star Wars. Those who haven't not only need to get cultivated and watch them asap, but shouldn't waste their time watching and reading what follows, because otherwise they'd understand nothing at all.

First, if you did see Star Wars, it might be interesting to watch the original trailer of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (released in 2001).



Great music by John Williams. And very good film, though I prefered the third and fifth films in the Harry Potter franchise. Now let's watch this video showing clips from Star Wars to correspond the trailer's text:



Brilliant montage — just like what I featured the other day, namely the crossover between The Departed and Star Wars.

The line I like most is that of Snape (Alan Rickman), but here "said" by Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid)… "Mr Potter……… our…… new……… celebrity."

And whenever I'll watch Episode IV, I'll always have that "Troooooooooooll in the dungeon!!" quote in mind…

"Not all wizards are good…" --> It reminds me of that crossover between the dialogue Vader/Luke from Empire Strikes Back scene and the confrontation Voldemort/Harry in The Goblet of Fire, which I featured several months ago.



If you know both Star Wars and Harry Potter, admit this is great!

Scorsese rules

I want to talk to you guys about this wonderful film I saw nearly two weeks ago, The Departed, by Martin Scorsese:



Ok, this video was The HeFarted… "Intended for MATURE audiences", indeed.

Let's be serious. Or kind of: here's the fucking short version of the movie:

!!!!! SPOILER !!!!! (It means: do not watch it unless you've already seen the movie and know the plot.)



There are lots of brilliant real lines, such as:



And for Star Wars fans, if any, they might like to watch this trailer of The Departed, but with an editing of Star Wars shoots from the six films.



See you tomorrow!

The Saga Begins

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned "Weird Al" Yankovich and his great parody songs, like Michael Jackson's Beat it getting twisted into Eat it?

Today I would like to show you another song that I've just discovered: The Saga Begins (1999). It's about Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, and Weird Al (dressed up as Obi-Wan Kenobi) sings of Anakin's daring deeds, thus summarizing in a quite brilliant way the plot of that first episode. This song is a parody of American Pie by Don McLean.



Here are the lyrics (it took me a lot of time to make all the links, so don't hesitate to click on them to learn more about the Star Wars universe):

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy

Oh
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Darth Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
He left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say

Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday

Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh the Council was impressed of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
All training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
"Just stick it in your pointy ear"
"I still will teach this boy"

He was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gungans died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We were singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

PS. It is stated on Wikipedia that Weird Al wrote this song just by reading internet spoilers…, thus without seeing the movie at all!

As would Darth Vader say (in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back):

Impressive… Most impressive.

Alternate Endings: the Return!

I've already shown you several alternate endings for the Back to the Future movies, but I've just found another that's worth the detour:



What if it had really happened…?

And I found a new one for Star Wars – Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back:



And another:



All too easy…

And yet another:



Soooo silly indeed!

When a minutes is really 60 seconds…

You know that a minute in a film is never exactly a minute. That is the reason why some other brilliant YouTuber decided to edit the space battle from the end of Star Wars – Episode IV: A New Hope so that "one minutes" corresponds with exactly 60 seconds. Here's the result:



Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Thumbs up!!

Vader Has Problems

Not only has Darth Vader hearing problems…



— Can you hear me?
— Yes, master.
— Are you sure?
— No. --> BRILLIANT

… but also family problems:



— Damned Luke, I'm not your real father! ROFL

And apparently our old pal also suffers from flatulence:



This was just to end with a really silly video. More of Fart Wars tomorrow, hopefully!

Movie Mistakes: Star Wars

I forgot to show you some of the most striking mistakes to be spotted in Star Wars – Episode IV: A New Hope. I knew most of them, but I had never thought of a couple (e.g. the first one):



Even though I have already seen this episode like 200 times, I had never noticed such obvious things. But I still love this movie.

Darth Vader: That Great Harmonica Player…

I'm always surprised with everything silly I find on YouTube. This thing is especially funny:



How is it that nobody had just thought of it before? The part of his mask that he's got around the chin is in fact the device that gives him the loud voice we know… but I never thought it was like a harmonica… Freaking silly and funny!

Darth Vader's Rap

I haven't understood every fuckin' word, but I got the general fuckin' flavour of it. Watch this fuckin' video!



Here are the lyrics if, like me, you want to know what they say. Maybe it would be better not to do so, because it's quite rude… but that's the goal of a parody: making fun of the original in every possible way. Even by doing a Star Wars Gangsta Rap… But I do not caution everything they sing, a.o. what Jar-Jar and C3PO say.

Admiral:
This is Admiral Biatch to base camp,
it seems the stormtroopers have gone on strike
and I have no experience with this type of shit.
Who should I call for help?

Vader:
It's the V to the A to the D-E-R (Vader!)
Reconstructin' the Death Star!
With my slick suede suit that's black like tar,
Fucking you up no matter who you are!

Palpatine:
Tell the motherfuckers 'bout the sheer Dark Side!
Pull up on your planet, Death Star drive-by!
And we'll beat the Rebels 'cause their skills ain't shit!

Vader:
And in my TIE Fighter, Zig-zags stay lit!

Yoda:
Oh, shit! Yoda on the scene,
900 year fiend smoking Dagobah green!
Bitches on my tip, like Lando on liquor.

Lando:
Ah, you're just jealous 'cause my black dick's thicker.

Chewbacca:
*Wookie yell*

Lando:
Yo! Tell 'em Chewie, last night
I had Leia all drunk wanting to do me.

Luke:
Shut the fuck up man! Leia's my sister!
The only thing you're getting is a beat-off blister.

Ben Kenobi:
Luke! Use the force before
intercourse, but Luke!
Don't forget! Bitches ain't nothing but hos and tricks!

(Ohh!)

Luke:
Obi-Wan, I'm the top gun! (top gun)
The chosen one, hotter than both suns!
Vader ain't shit, his head's cut up and split!
He's slower than the first Pentium chip!

(Dark Side!)
Vader:
The one who brings remorse to this fucking universe.

(Rebels!)
Luke:
You know we'll fucking win, 'cause we'll fight to the end!

(Dark Side!)
Palpatine:
I can feel the anger dwelling within you!

(Rebels!)
Yoda:
You also feel Vader's dick in you. BIATCH!

*Incoherent Huttese Jabba rap*

Han Solo:
Jabba, you ain't nothing but a fat-ass slug!
Fake gold chains? You sorry-ass thug!
Sittin' in your palace with your blue-headed whore,
trap door to the Rancor. *sound of someone falling*

C3PO:
Oh, my, goodness gracious me!
I'm a gay man's golden fantasy!
Programmed for homo-ecstasy,
ten million forms of gay positioning.
For my golden shower, you must pay a fee,
but R2-D2 gives it up for free. *R2-d2 squeaks*
R2-D2, watch your language!
Always having sex with robotic strangers!

Jar Jar Binks:
Meesa like to drink and smoke all night!
Meesa like to fight and fucka yo wife.
Meesa no care 'cause meesa so dumb.
Meesa will fuck you with me tongue.
Yousa wants a meesa cause meesa wants some.
Yousa wants a meesa cause meesa wants some.
Yousa wants a meesa cause meesa wants some.
Meesa wants some cause meesa wanna cum!

The Empire Farts Back

Here's another gem:



It's just perfect! Oh, and by the way, why don't you watch this:



There are less farts, but at least you get to see one of the most famous scenes of Star Wars - Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, with here Mark Hamill as Luke and Frank Oz as Yoda.