"This is the most wretched hive of scum and villainy" (Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope)

Lego Batman and Robin are up to kick some ass, so a lot of villains gathered for an epic struggle in Gotham City:



"Heath Ledger's Joker, Jack Nicholson's Joker, Mr. Freeze, Irina Spalko, Evil Monkey, Darth Vader, Penguin, SpongeBob Squarepants, Bane, the Riddler, my ex-girlfriend, Stewie Griffin, Patrick Star, Skeleton, Kit Fisto… Wait, wait: he's not a villain; he's a jerk… He died, he died of the Emperor. Two-Face, Mr. Krabs, Guy on the Skateboard and Dr Octopus."

"Twice the pride, double the f—"

Anakin doesn't like long talks: he always does his job as swiftly as possible:



"Good job!"

"So uncivilized…"

Let's get back to the basics: editing Star Wars clips so as to make the movie end (a lot) differently. This time, General Grievous terminates Obi-Wan Kenobi — thanks to the legendary Casey Jones:

Let's end those movies earlier

I found several alternate endings to some Star Wars movies, and I thought you wouldn't give a damn about them, but I'm still posting them:

Alternate ending to Episode IV:



"This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blast—…"

Padmé falls into the Sarlacc pitt, and Super Count Dooku beats the shit out of Obi-Wan, Anakin and Yoda! (Alternate ending to Episode II)



Episode V becomes a lot shorter:

Episode III gets reviewed

I recently found a really good review of Star Wars Episode III and I thought it could be interesting to feature it on this blog, among the other piles of random stuff that I accumulate on a daily basis. (I hope some of you saw the film, at least…)



"Count Dracula shows up. The Chancellor says: 'Get help. You're no match for him. He's a Sith Lord.' Dude, where are they gonna get help?!?"

" … and what does this shithead ever do to make you fall in love with him? All he ever did was bitch everyone else including Ooba-Dooba, make blatantly treacherous remarks and — I wanna stress this again — he committed mass murder and Ooba-Dooba knows it."



"Obi-Wan must carefully sneak up to his position. So naturally, since he must be as covert as possible, he picks the biggest, loudest thing he can possibly find to ride up there. This thing makes noises like a dying giraffe: it's so loud the whole damn planet would be alarmed to its presence, and the damn thing even starts shouting right at the enemy's base!"

"The Emperor whips out a lightsaber and does some of that jumping around crap. The three Jedi Windu brought with him use an ancient Jedi defence technique known as 'Standing There And Letting Your Opponent Kill You', until it's soon just Windu vs. the Chancellor."



"'But wait, Obi-Wan! If Leia is my sister, then who was our mother?'
'Ow… she was the Queen of Naboo. But when things didn't work out between her and your father she lost the will to live and just up and died.'
'Ya know, she was having two kids… She didn't think it was worth living for us?'
'I guess not, Luke.'
'Oh, what a bitch!'"

Never blast a door

Luke really fucked up this time:

Star Wars Kid Strikes Back… again

Star Wars Kid is everywhere, as you can see by yourself:



Luke: "WTF?"

SWK has also appeared in South Park:



"Oh my God! He killed Kenny!"

"Short, but pointless" (Ghostbusters 2)

While wandering on YouTube I came across new alternate endings and I wanted to show you some of them. Let's first watch the proof that Count Dooku has become more powerful than any Jedi:



What if Yoda was stronger than Palpatine, after all?



It's a shame that the guy who made it didn't manage to get rid of the digits, but it's a good idea, I think.

EditingRoom came up with a new idea, too: what if Vader decided to kill Luke after telling him the truth?



All too easy…

Now, what if Qui-Gon killed Darth Maul and not the other way round?



What if our old pal Casey Jones (from TMNT) happened to be present on Naboo (incidentally with his garbage truck, of course)?

Store Wars

Mr Romero sent me this brilliant spoof on Star Wars which uses fruit and vegetables to depict the epic struggle between Organic Rebellion and the Dark Side of the Farm ("An Empire of pollution and pesticides"), working thus as an allegory of our modern world:

"Search your peelings, Cuke, you know it to be true! Join me and together we can rule the supermarket as father and son."

"May the Farm be with you, always!"

Cuke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Canolli, C3 Peanuts, Tofu-D2, Princess Letuce, Ham Solo, Chewbroccoli, Thai fighters, Darth Tater --> brilliant puns!

Tankman Begins

Watch this funny parody of Batman Begins for the introduction to the 2005 MTV Movie Awards ceremony, hosted by Jimmy Fallon:



Curse you, tank man!

The guy who played Batman is John Heder, aka Napoleon Dynamite.

Here's another parody that Fallon made on basis of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith:



I'm very good at backflips!

"All's well that ends well"

Alternate endings are a great way of showing how a given story could have been. Storylines like Star Wars could have ended in a wide variety of ways, as you may recall from a series of previous posts. For instance, what if Luke, the hero, didn't manage to grip the antenna when he fell in the shaft on Bespin?



ROTFLOL is the word that sums up my reaction.

Then, what if Luke didn't manage to blow the Death Star and Vader shot him instead?



And… what if Darth Vader felt remorse after killing Luke Skywalker and all of a sudden decided to turn against the Empire? It would give something like this:



What if Yoda was less powerful than he thought?



[Swat!]
Oh, nooo!

What if Anakin underestimated his own powers?



What if everything that has transpired has done so according to the Emperor's design?



Brilliant!

PS. Don't forget to wish a happy birthday to Ellen!

Y.O.D.A.

The Village People's song YMCA was spoofed into Y.O.D.A. Here are two versions I found on YouTube, but unfortunately they're not of good quality, nor are they the full versions.



I promised the other day I'd show you a parody song made by Weird Al Yankovic, so here it is: "Yoda", a parody of Lola, by the Kinks, a famous British pop group.

Lola:



Yoda:



And here are the lyrics if you feel like singing them:

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A, soda

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him for his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda"
Y-O-D-A, Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I left home just a week before
And I've never ever been a Jedi before
But Obi-Wan, he set me straight, of course
He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force"

Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again
With my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

So I used the Force
I picked up a box
I lifted some rocks
While I stood on my head
but, I won't forget what Yoda said

He said, "Luke, stay away from the darker side
And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed
But remember, if you kill him, then you'll be unemployed"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda I guess
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be playing this part 'till I'm old and gray

The long-term contract I had to sign
Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
Oh with my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Scorsese rules

I want to talk to you guys about this wonderful film I saw nearly two weeks ago, The Departed, by Martin Scorsese:



Ok, this video was The HeFarted… "Intended for MATURE audiences", indeed.

Let's be serious. Or kind of: here's the fucking short version of the movie:

!!!!! SPOILER !!!!! (It means: do not watch it unless you've already seen the movie and know the plot.)



There are lots of brilliant real lines, such as:



And for Star Wars fans, if any, they might like to watch this trailer of The Departed, but with an editing of Star Wars shoots from the six films.



See you tomorrow!

The Saga Begins

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned "Weird Al" Yankovich and his great parody songs, like Michael Jackson's Beat it getting twisted into Eat it?

Today I would like to show you another song that I've just discovered: The Saga Begins (1999). It's about Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, and Weird Al (dressed up as Obi-Wan Kenobi) sings of Anakin's daring deeds, thus summarizing in a quite brilliant way the plot of that first episode. This song is a parody of American Pie by Don McLean.



Here are the lyrics (it took me a lot of time to make all the links, so don't hesitate to click on them to learn more about the Star Wars universe):

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy

Oh
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Darth Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
He left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say

Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday

Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh the Council was impressed of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
All training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
"Just stick it in your pointy ear"
"I still will teach this boy"

He was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gungans died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin'
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We were singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home
And kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

PS. It is stated on Wikipedia that Weird Al wrote this song just by reading internet spoilers…, thus without seeing the movie at all!

As would Darth Vader say (in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back):

Impressive… Most impressive.

The Empire Brokeback!

Droids have feelings: they can live a true love story:



Obi-Wan and Anakin were having an affair, too!



Even Han Solo and Chewie!



I love these parodies on the Brokeback Mountain theme! More tomorrow

Darth Vader's Rap

I haven't understood every fuckin' word, but I got the general fuckin' flavour of it. Watch this fuckin' video!



Here are the lyrics if, like me, you want to know what they say. Maybe it would be better not to do so, because it's quite rude… but that's the goal of a parody: making fun of the original in every possible way. Even by doing a Star Wars Gangsta Rap… But I do not caution everything they sing, a.o. what Jar-Jar and C3PO say.

Admiral:
This is Admiral Biatch to base camp,
it seems the stormtroopers have gone on strike
and I have no experience with this type of shit.
Who should I call for help?

Vader:
It's the V to the A to the D-E-R (Vader!)
Reconstructin' the Death Star!
With my slick suede suit that's black like tar,
Fucking you up no matter who you are!

Palpatine:
Tell the motherfuckers 'bout the sheer Dark Side!
Pull up on your planet, Death Star drive-by!
And we'll beat the Rebels 'cause their skills ain't shit!

Vader:
And in my TIE Fighter, Zig-zags stay lit!

Yoda:
Oh, shit! Yoda on the scene,
900 year fiend smoking Dagobah green!
Bitches on my tip, like Lando on liquor.

Lando:
Ah, you're just jealous 'cause my black dick's thicker.

Chewbacca:
*Wookie yell*

Lando:
Yo! Tell 'em Chewie, last night
I had Leia all drunk wanting to do me.

Luke:
Shut the fuck up man! Leia's my sister!
The only thing you're getting is a beat-off blister.

Ben Kenobi:
Luke! Use the force before
intercourse, but Luke!
Don't forget! Bitches ain't nothing but hos and tricks!

(Ohh!)

Luke:
Obi-Wan, I'm the top gun! (top gun)
The chosen one, hotter than both suns!
Vader ain't shit, his head's cut up and split!
He's slower than the first Pentium chip!

(Dark Side!)
Vader:
The one who brings remorse to this fucking universe.

(Rebels!)
Luke:
You know we'll fucking win, 'cause we'll fight to the end!

(Dark Side!)
Palpatine:
I can feel the anger dwelling within you!

(Rebels!)
Yoda:
You also feel Vader's dick in you. BIATCH!

*Incoherent Huttese Jabba rap*

Han Solo:
Jabba, you ain't nothing but a fat-ass slug!
Fake gold chains? You sorry-ass thug!
Sittin' in your palace with your blue-headed whore,
trap door to the Rancor. *sound of someone falling*

C3PO:
Oh, my, goodness gracious me!
I'm a gay man's golden fantasy!
Programmed for homo-ecstasy,
ten million forms of gay positioning.
For my golden shower, you must pay a fee,
but R2-D2 gives it up for free. *R2-d2 squeaks*
R2-D2, watch your language!
Always having sex with robotic strangers!

Jar Jar Binks:
Meesa like to drink and smoke all night!
Meesa like to fight and fucka yo wife.
Meesa no care 'cause meesa so dumb.
Meesa will fuck you with me tongue.
Yousa wants a meesa cause meesa wants some.
Yousa wants a meesa cause meesa wants some.
Yousa wants a meesa cause meesa wants some.
Meesa wants some cause meesa wanna cum!

Another Version of Fart Wars

There's a sound which comes from this scene of Dumb and Dumber, when Lama Su sits down. Too silly. I want more!