Car cretins

Who said that only women were bad drivers?

What happens if you fight with a chicken?

… I mean, a real one, not a coward. Peter Griffin from Family Guy is gonna show us how to deal with poultry.

Speed: alternate ending

The bus from Speed rampages through the city…

Gamelle Trophy

It must be really painful to come a cropper like that…

Death Notice (5): Horst Tappert

A week ago Horst Tappert passed away. He was made famous by playing inspector Stephan Derrick in the eponymous series, which was, as you know, criticised for being very slow and a good alternative to sleeping pills. The elderly (including my own grandparents, I admit) particularily enjoy watching an episode because it was broadcast round 1 or 2 pm, i.e. the perfect time for taking a nap. Since nothing happened in the episode anyway they didn't miss anything at all. Although it seems very unlikely a Derrick episode actually featured a stunt! Check this out:



And here's a very nice parody made by singer and songwriter Jean-Luc Fonck (mimicking Tappert's gaze perfectly) and Aurélia Dejond for La Télé infernale:





Unfortunately I didn't find an Uncyclopedia entry on Derrick, but I found these funny banners:

A typical day in the life of Chuck Norris

Chuck likes being tracked by a chopper…



I wonder why the bad guys still try to beat the shit out of him, while it's as impossible as counting to infinity. (Except that Chuck did count to infinity. Twice.)

Stupid man

Just watch this: it's short and pointless.



Variation on the same theme:

Jeremy Clarkson: politically incorrect and nonconformist

What follows is the special blog entry that I wrote for germ@namur.

(Since there has not been much activity on this blog for a long, long time, I thought it was now high time to write a special blog entry on one of Britain’s cultural icons, Jeremy Clarkson. Unlike other blog entries, this one is more than 500 words long, but after all this is precisely a special blog entry.)

Jeremy Clarkson was born on 11 April 1960 in Doncaster, England. Thanks to good sales of Paddington Bears (stuffed toys) his parents were able to send him to Repton, a public school. As a turbulent teenager, Clarkson was expelled because of his disrespect for rules, noticeably for smoking and drinking. Later he first worked as a travelling salesman for his parent’s business, but soon decided to make a living by writing articles in local newspapers. Afterwards he created the Motoring Press Agency, which was specialised in conducting road tests.

In October 1988 Clarkson joined the TV motoring programme Top Gear, which he presented until February 2000 – this was the programme’s original format. After a brief interruption the show was relaunched from 2002 onwards, but some things were changed to enhance the programme and give it a more entertaining quality: it is now shot in a studio, and Clarkson is helped by co-presenters: Richard "Hamster" Hammond en James "Captain Slow" May. Another big change was that each week a guest is invited for a chat and for testing a reasonably-priced car on a special track. Their lap time is recorded and a kept on a board. Past hosts include Ellen MacArthur, Sir Michael Gambon, Patrick Stewart and Stephen Fry.



Top Gear is now the most-watched TV show on BBC Two and it is rebroadcast in dozens of countries. The programme's success is due notably to Clarkson’s rather criticising style, his cynical approach and his outspoken views about a wide range of controversial subjects (e.g.g. the London congestion charge). Jeremy Clarkson is (in)famous for his disregard for environment and for 'killing' numerous 'hateful cars', which means that he regularly destroys all sorts of low performance vehicles. For instance he shot on a Yugo 45 with a tank canon, he organised a crash test between a locomotive and a Renault Espace at a level crossing and he split a Lada 2105 in two:



Here is a compilation of the most impressive destruction clips by Clarkson:



For the record, only one car managed not to be 'killed' by Clarkson: the Toyota Hilux, dubbed 'the world's toughest vehicle'. (Watch parts 1, 2 and 3 of the programme to witness this motoring miracle.) The car is now kept as a museum artifact on a plinth in the Top Gear studio.

Each week, Clarkson and his ‘goons’ test vehicles ranging from the reasonably-priced (e.g. the Volkswagen Fox) cars to expensive supercars (e.g. the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Bugatti Veyron), as well as peculiar cars (e.g. the Peel P50, the world's smallest car – Clarkson, who is 6,5 feet tall, could even fit in it). From time to time he challenges Hammond and/or May on an 'epic race': basically the latter have to go faster than Clarkson who is driving some supercar. For instance, Clarkson drove an Aston Martin DB9 from the Top Gear base in England to Monaco, while May and Hammond were taking the train; Clarkson arrived first. Another time he headed for the Magnetic North Pole driving an equipped Toyota pickup truck, racing against Hammond who used a dog sled. Once again, Clarkson was successful, incidentally becoming the first man to reach the Magnetic North Pole with a car.

Of course Top Gear is not Jeremy Clarkson's only occupation: he married his agent in 1993 and got three children. In 1994 he created Top Gear Magazine, for which he regularly writes columns and reviews – most of which are collected and published as books later on. In the 1990s he took part in several other programmes such as the UK version of Robot Wars, he was the advocate of engineer Brunel for 100 Greatest Britons, and was was invited to many popular programmes like Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Parkinson, Grumpy Old Men – Clarkson is precisely the epitome of a grumpy old man – and Never Mind the Buzzcocks. He also presented Top Gear specials (e.g. Jeremy Clarkson Meets The Neighbours and Apocalypse Clarkson) and his own chat show, Clarkson, between 1998 and 2000. He also presented several programmes about great engineering inventions and military deeds, such as Jeremy Clarkson: Greatest Raid of All Time, a documentary about a raid in Saint-Nazaire during WWII). In 2007 he was awarded the National Television Awards’ Special Recognition Award.

PS. Do not forget to browse through the Top Gear website and have a go at the 'Stupidly hard quiz'.
PPS. Most of the hyperlinks will redirect you to a YouTube video.

Wedding

I had nothing better for today — I'm sorry…

Belgian police

Silly experiments

This test being successful, one cannot say that they "nuked the train" - just to make a reference to the newly coined expression "nuking the fridge", originating in an Indiana Jones IV scene.

"It is used to denote the point in a movie or movie series, usually one with a pre-established tone of only semi-seriousness, at which the characters or plot veer into an over-the-top level of the ridiculous or incredible, thus leaving one feeling alienated from the intention of the film."

Such tests seem to be common place, as shown in the various experiments that scientists make to test the solidity of the flasks.

Male driving

The other day I posted a video showing a woman having some trouble getting into a parking lot which she didn't seem to find too small. I also wondered if it wasn't a coincidence that the driver was a woman. There's a common belief that women can't drive, and that's sometimes fair to say that. Fortunately, such things as the parking disaster aren't common place. Besides, men can be terrible at driving as well. Here's a video on the origins of the phenomenon:



A silly commercial:



A picture slideshow featuring some car wrecks, most of which are to be attributed to male drivers in my opinion:



1:26 --> Welcome to Kazakhstan!

Rally drivers (all men, of course: women are clever enough not to take part in these races) are known to be dumb, stupid, daft, idiotic jackasses. In the following video, none of them manages to get past a corner successfully:



Note that gradually more people came to witness the accidents!

Soldiers driving a Hummer in Iraq:



"We brake for nobody"

Hopeless attempt

Finding a parking space isn't easy. Getting your car parked on it might be a right kerfuffle, as shown in the following video.



PS. The driver turns out to be a woman. Is it a coincidence?
;-) to Alexandre

Hancock

I'm definitely going to see this movie in the upcoming weeks, because I was stunned by the trailer (which you can watch below) and also by the positive critics that I've read. Moreover, the fact that the story is about a fallen superhero who gets drunk appeals me, perhaps because it's satirical and because it's unusual for a superhero, precisely.

Final Destination 2

Final Destination 2 features one of the best crash scenes in all the action movies I've seen so far:



And for those of you who are afraid to go to the dentist's:

"If you want to get to work quickly, get a table"

Infamous presentor Jeremy Clarkson introduces us to the G-Wiz, a really crappy electric car:



"This has no redeeming features, it has no headroom, it has no leg room, it has no space for a passenger alongside me and God has not yet created a creature who would fit in the back! (…) You can't stop cause that'll wear the battery down… (…) The message then is clear: if you want to die horribly and in great pain while keeping Britain wet and miserable, get a G-Wiz. If on the other hand you want something strong, and safe and quite a lot faster than a G-Wiz, get yourself a table."

A crash test:

In our series "WTF?"…

OWNED:

Aw!

I wanted to show you a short series of pictures I recently found on the Internet. Enjoy.

"Oh-oh!"

A silly advertisement:


Imagine the pain a split second after this photograph was taken…


This guy is about to get an appointment at the dentist's:


Say goodbye to your privates!


Now take a look at the most horrific picture of this entry:


It's freaky to realise that people thought they were fashionable with that kind of look in the 1980s…

A nice compilation to remember to look at the bright side of life even when your life is a piece of shit when you look at it:

The Danish know how to be effective

If you're not the kind of person that enjoys fastening his or her seatbelt, I suggest you watch this clip from Denmark:



Today's Uncyclopedia featured article: Denmark, aka Legoland (see Lego bricks).

Home Alone alternate endings!

What happens if we apply the alternate ending technique to Home Alone? Well, something like this:

"Where did he go?"
"Maybe he commited suicide…" --> I love Marvin!

Now, what if Kevin underestimated the power of a a toilet full of petrol?



This reminds me of the Ocean's Eleven alternate ending: